


Darlin, Step Down From There (Don't Leave Me Alone)

by StellarFandoms



Series: Sad Malec that Ends with happiness and love that they both deserve, [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 02x08, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Fluff, M/M, Magnus Bane Is Quite Magical, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Robert Lightwood Being an Asshole, Sad Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, alec needs help, all is kinda well, he dosent die, he gets both, with and without his magic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-21 06:11:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarFandoms/pseuds/StellarFandoms
Summary: Basically the scene in 2x08 where Alec almost kills himself, but Magnus saves him. But this time Iris beefed up her spell and now Magnus can't use his hands for magic.





	1. Alec is Suicidal

_ You’re a murderer. Weak. Nothing more. _

“Alec? What the hell are you doing?”

_ Murderer.  _

“Alec, wait!”

_ Weak  _

“Take my hand” 

_ Jump. No one will miss you. _

“Alec! You’re scaring me.”

_ Go on, jump. Jump.  _

“Alec! No”

_ You call me a bad  _ _ Shadowhunter _ _ but you let yourself get possessed? _

“JACE! MAGNUS!”

_ Just end it all. You deserve it. Just  _ **_die._ **

  
  


Alexander Gideon Lightwood felt like he was outside of his body, floating several steps ahead of him. He was also on the roof ledge. He should just follow, he  _ needed  _  to follow, plummet to the unforgiving cement ground and  _ die, He deserved to die. _ He couldn’t think, fleeting images of Jace and Izzy, of Max, of Magnus shoot through his brain. But then Jocelyn's body, him  _ murdering  _ her,  He could only focus Clary’s taunts, the harsh wind blowing all around him and the ground so,  _ so _ far beneath him.He almost bitterly laughed from the irony; he couldn’t think and he was about to make a live  changing ending decision. From this height, despite his  Shadowhunter abilities, he’d die. No runes could save him from a 15 story jump He’d jump off this roof, and hit the ground and no one would miss him. They’d be happy he was gone. He should jump. He killed Clary’s mom, he was a  _ murderer.  _ He deserved to die, he wanted to. Alec wasn’t sure what was stopping him from letting himself fall, shatter against the pavement like a glass pane. Maybe, just maybe the  he would finally look as broken as he felt. He was already destroyed on the inside. Why not just let everyone finally see. See the great, strong Alec Lightwood as how he truly was. Broken. He wasn't sure if his thoughts were his own or not but it didn't matter. He was ready to die. He was weak. Nothing more. The loud thud of the roof door nearly snapped him out of his thoughts.

  


A new voice spoke up, full of panic and fear, but it sounded like the person was forcing himself to stay calm. “Hey Alexander, can you please step down from there?” It took several seconds for Alec to process what had been said, but when he did something clicked. He spoke softly, unsure and asked with a broken voice “Magnus?” He heard the voice crack as it said “Yeah, darling, I’m here.” By then Jace, Maryse, and Izzy we’re all there. “Please, please just step down.” Magnus continued. Jace whispered to Magnus “Tell me you can magic him down from there.” Magnus shook his head “There’s a spell blocking my magic, I can’t” Maryse inhaled sharply at this, Izzy let out a choked sob and Jace practically crumbled.  All attention turned back to Alec when he spoke up “Mags, I-i can’t I don’t know what to do.” Magnus still spoke softly, like Alec was a frightened, skittish rabbit, about to jump jump, jump he should just jump away “Why don’t you step down then? We can talk about this inside, okay?” But Alec could hardly hear him. He just kept hearing murderer bounce around his head. He deserved to die. No one would miss him. Only when Magnus spoke up again did he realize he said that out loud. “No!” Magnus’s voice was much more forceful this time. “No. Alexander, Angel you hav-” He swallowed “You have to believe me. You are so, so loved and so many people would miss you. I would miss you so much. I’m going to step a little closer now, alright?” Magnus took a cautious step forward, and when Alec didn’t negatively react, he took another, and another until he was standing right behind him. “Darling, can you please, just take a step back. Everything's gonna be okay. It will I swear. Just step back, Angel, please.” Alec shook his head. “I’m sorry. I can’t, I can’t” He was visibly getting worked up. “I’m a murderer, I need to die, I can’t Mags, I can’t.” Magnus was getting more and more panicked. He’d never had to talk someone out of suicide before. Sure he had flung knifes held to wrists out of far, far too many people hands, snapped ropes tied around necks, made guns pressed to temples vanish, turned a handful of pills into dust but he’d always had his magic, he hadn’t ever had to rely on words. Now that he thought about it he realized that he probably was why.As hard as it was to love someone who you knew would die, it must be harder to know you'll grow old while the person you love looks the same, that you won’t have someone to grow old with.The rest of the Lightwood family, barring Max and Robert was behind him, in varying degrees of hysteria. Thankfully, they all knew that speaking up would likely just cause more emotional turmoil for Alec. “No one blames you, love. It wasn’t your fault.” Alec starting shaking his head furiously. “It was! I was weak and I got possessed and it’s my fucking fault.”  Magnus shook his head but decided to take a different path “And how’s dying going to change anything? It won’t. Alexander,love, killing yourself won’t do anything to bring her back. Nothing will change, except you’ll be dead and so many people will be devastated. Please,darling, just come down, we’ll talk i-inside, please, don’t do this. Don’t do this to your family. To Jace, to Maryse and Robert, to Izzy, to Max. Alexander, Angel, don’t do this to me,” 

  


Alec's shoulders we’re heaving with heavy sobs. “I-i can’t Mags, I’m so-sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t.” Magnus gently reached up and laced his fingers through Alec's “You can’t what, love?” “S-step down. Or jump, i-i-i don’t know, mags, i don’t know.” Magnus let out a gentle hum at that. “Just step towards me Alexander. There’s a spell, darling, everyone’s hallucinating. This isn't you, love, just take a step towards me.” But Alec just shook more “Magnus, this is me! No one else is here, about to fucking jump off a roof! It's just m-me and my-my fuc-fucked up mind.” Magnus swore he could hear his heart shatter for the millionth time. Ängel, everything's okay. You’ll be okay, you will. Yeah, no one's standing up there, but I’ve been where you are, dear, and believe me please, It gets better. Just take a step towards me. Just one. It’s going to be okay.” And with that Alexander Lightwood’s feet shifted, just an inch, away from the ledge and closer to his love.

  
  
  


Alec continued to inch his way of the ledge, until he was on the ground, sobbing harder than he ever had. Magnus quickly portaled all of them to the living room, got alec situated on the couch, and sat next to him. He heard Magnus go tell someone to get some book, but  just curled up in on himself, hardly breathing in between gut wrenching sobs. He felt someone gently cup his cheek and heard someone promise that he’d be okay but nothing registered. Until he felt something, the heat source right next to him , vanish. He somehow sobbed even more harshly and heard someone, the heat, the comfort, swear that it would be right back. He heard some words in a different language, then something about sending a cat to the Clave. By then  the heat  Magnus, it was Magnus reappeared. “Love, everything's okay. It’s all over. You're okay darlin. Come back to me. It's okay, i promise, just come back.”  _ Come back?  _ Where had he gone? Alec then realized that for an unknown amount of time, he had been sitting on a couch either sobbing or as he was right then, staring straight ahead. He spoke quietly, and he wasn't sure if Magnus would here him say “Mags?” but he did and smiled, despite his sad, sad eyes. “Yeah Angel?”  Alec was slowly string to find his voice “C-can we go home?” he looked at Magnus with teary, confused, pleading eyes, and Magnus knew that he didn’t mean the institute. “Yeah, darling. We can go home.: With that Magnus quickly portaled them to his bedroom, magically snapped them both into pajamas and helped alec get into bed. He climbed in next to him, kissed his forehead and whispered “Sleep well, Angel.” But he knew he wouldn’t. He was crumbling apart and it took him nearly falling 15 stories for Magnus to notice. So Alec probably wasn’t sleeping that well.

TBC                                                                                                                                   


	2. The Nighmares Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has a nightmare. It's up to Magnus to calm him down, It's super angsty, im sorry.
> 
>  
> 
> There is Child Abuse mentioned and a Panic Attack, plus suicidal thoughts. Stay Safe!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Mentioned Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, Dreamed Character Deaths, Panic Attacks, and Violence.

_ With that Magnus quickly portaled them to his bedroom, magically snapped them both into pajamas and helped alec get into bed. He climbed in next to him, kissed his forehead and whispered “Sleep well, Angel.” But he knew he wouldn’t. He was crumbling apart and it took him nearly falling 15 stories for Magnus to notice. So Alec probably wasn’t sleeping that well.  _

  
  
  


Chapter 2

  
  
  


Magnus was, unfortunately, correct. Not even a hour after Alec fell asleep, he started lashing out limbs and yelling. “ALEC! Alexander, wake up, darling wake up.” Magnus careful touched his shoulder, trying to snap him out of whatever nightmare he was in. “Wake up, love, you’re safe, everything's okay, alright. Everythings fine. Wake up.”

 

_ “Wake up!” Alec thought he could hear someone saying that, but that couldn't be right. Could it? No It couldn’t cause he’s fighting a demon and it was gonna kill him, was that bad or good, he didn’t know but his friends and  _ **_oh god_ ** _ his friends were here and max and magnus was here and jace was hurt and it was definitely bad for them to die they were going to die and it was all his fault, everything was his fault and they were gonna die because of him and he was a murderer and no, no,no Max and Magnus were dead, and Everyone wasting and it was all his fault, and his dad as there yelling about what a terrible disgrace he was and he felt himself getting hit again and again but it wasn’t a demon it was his dad but then  the demon was here and they were dying and  there was a voivce saying it was just a dram, that he was fine but the voice was wrong it had to be this was reak abd he messed up he was a fuck up, he messed up and it was his fault and he was on the roof and he hated himself, they were gonna die because of him and oh god he wanted to die, and everyone hated him and he wanted to die, _ **_hewantedtodie, hehadtodie“ALEXANDER! WAKE UP!”_ **

  
Alec shot up with a jolt, still breathing like he’d just sprinted a marathon in the desert. “Alec? Can you hear me?” Alec wanted to tell him that he could, but he couldn't move and he all of a sudden, he couldn't breathe. Luckily, Magnus had been around long enough to recognize a panic attack. “Alexander. Look at me.” Magnus gently forced Alec's chin up, forcing his terrified eyes to look at his. “Deep breaths, okay?” the warlock exaggerated his inhale as he said”  In 1-2-3” and blew out air as he said  “Out 1-2-3.” Magnus continued this until Alec’s breathing slowed to a normal rate. By this point Alec had curled up in Magnus’ lap, his head resting on Magnus’ chest. “Feeling better, Angel?” Alexander, still not feeling better, nodded into Magnus’ chest. “Do you want to talk about your dream?” Alec suddenly froze, halting in breathe yet again. Magnus quickly reassured, “It's okay, it's okay, you don't have to, it's okay, breathe.”   the shadowhunter shook his head. “No, i should.” Magnus nodded and left the heavy silence open  for Alec to fill. After nearly five minutes of Alec not speaking, Magnus was just running his hands up and down Alec’s back, trying his best not to pour magic into Alexander and just make him feel better but then Alec wouldn't talk about it in the morning and he couldn’t keep this in. He still wasn't sure if he should talk or not. As he was about to part his lips to offer comfort once more, Alec’s still shattered voice spoke up, hardly even a whisper “There was a demon. And I-it was bad mags, it was _really_ bad, Jace, Clary and Izzy were there and we were all trying to fight it and, and you were dead and Max was dead.” Magnus was about to remind Alec, that he was alive and so was Max, and he was trying his best not to cry, because **_dammit Alec didn’t deserve this,_** but he couldn't because he needed to be fine for Alec. However before he could yet again offer comfort, Alec spoke up once again, voice impossibly quiet. “And then everyone was dying, and it was all my fault, cause i'm such a _huge_ fuck up, but i had to watch them all die and my **father** ” Alec spoke the word with a flinch, like he was about to be hit and Magnus swore his heart stopped for a second. Alec hadn’t stopped crying since he woke up, but he was crying harder, harder then Magnus had ever thought possible. Magnus felt a creeping sense of unease, because he knew better than anything nightmares aren't always fiction and as much as he didn’t want to say it outloud, he asked, tone soft, and voice cautiously asking “Your father what, Alec? What happened?” Alec shook his head still crying “I’m sorry mags I-i can’t i can’t, i'm sorry i'm so sorry, i can’t,please don’t make me,please” Magnus immediately gave in “It’s okay, Alec i’m not mad with you, I never would be for something like this. We do need to talk about this  later, alright? It’s gonna make it worse if you don't tell me whats wrong.” Alec paused for a moment but nodded into Magnus’ chest. Magnus asked “ Do you want me to use my magic to get you back to sleep? “ Alec froze and then mumbled, ashamed, “I-i don’t wanna have anymore nightmares” Magnus nodded, and was now running his fingers through Alexander’s hair “You won’t love, I promise. My magic can definitely keep nightmares away. I’ll be right here all night, and when you wake up. Okay?’ Alec shakily, in a pleading  “You promise?” And looked up with such beautiful, broken eyes. Magnus felt his heart break, yet again. “I swear on everything i have. You won’t have any nightmares” Alec, was slow in falling asleep “And you're not gonna go through my memories or anything, tight? My dad made me let the silent brothers do that once, didn't like it.”  Magnus was immediately ready to go kill everyone who’d ever hurt his Alexander. Memories we’re so private, and taking them away for safety, like he had with Biscuit wasn't wrong, but going through them without consent? That was so violating and _wrong_ “Of course not sweetheart, I would never ever do something like that.” Alec mumbled a clearly grateful, albeit sleepy “Thanks” and as much as Magnus wanted to tell him that he didn’t need   _thank_ him for not violating his privacy, that the fact that Robert had made him to that, for whatever reason, wasn’t _Okay._ He wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to thank someone for not hurting him,, he simply asked “Now, darling, do you want me to magic you to sleep?” A tired, bleary “Uh-huh” came from Alexander. Magnus immediately let a stream of magcis go through Alec and he fell asleep. Magnus took a few deep breaths trying his best not to cry. Failing, obviously because this man was the love of his life and so, so much bad had happened to him. He hadn’t even noticed until he almost went flying from a rooftop. In the morning Magnus would try to coax some information out of Alec but for now Magnus hugged Alec closer to himself , silently vowing to protect the amazing, loving, kind, perfect, _hurting_ man against any and all of the world's evil.                                                                 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH!! It's been so long I'm sorry!!! However I have a bunch of ideas for this fic and don't plan of abandoning it!!  
> I NEED A BETA READER IF UR INTRESED MESSAGE ON EITHER:
> 
> tumblr-stellarfandoms  
> instagram- @nerdy_gay_24601
> 
> Again so sorry it's been so long, I've been having a bit of a rough time, but please leave a comment and kudos!!
> 
> Love u all!!!


	3. A filler chapter bc the author is a mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus get ready to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry it's been almost a year since the last update, but I'm feeling a bit inspired rn and hopefully there will be more chapters to come!

Magnus lay awake that night, holding his shadowhunter close to his chest, letting a steady stream of magic continue to pour into Alexander, keeping him peacefully asleep. The prolonged use of magic was sure to create a very exhausted Magnus but he knew Alec not being tormented inside his own head was more than worth the fatigue sure to follow him while. Besides he could magic up the strongest coffee in the world, so he could go a few days without sleep. He could only do it for a few nights though, because magic, especially magic with this much care and love behind it was very easy to get dependent on, and the absolute last thing Alec needed was getting addicted to his magic. Even if there was no risk of addiction, Magnus knew that sometimes the only way to heal was to suffer.

As he tried his best not to think about all the nightmare Alec had had the night before,  Magnus couldn’t help but try to plan out his very, very necessary conversation with Alexander in his head. Magnus was practically making a bullet list in his head of what to say, what not to say, 

  * Don’t push him and make him retreat back into himself (Alec was very fond of saying ‘I'm fine’ and nothing else)
  * But don’t be a pushover (Don’t listen to ‘Can we talk about this later’ s)
  * Try to get him to not act like he was fine (see point 1)
  * Get him to not blame everything on the curse (He would)
  * Try to get him to talk about what happened with his dad (Magnus knew _quite_ a bit about shitty Fathers)



And the list goes on. Somewhere around point 17, Magnus relizes that Alec going to the institute would have a rather horrible result. He summoned his phone to text Jace or Izzy about the matter, but saw a rather long text from Izzy, that paraphrased was “We talked (lied) to Aldertree, said he had some type of weird warlock magic hangover, don’t let Alec go to the institute for a while or i’ll kick your ass for not taking care of my brother” Magnus smiled and confirmed he would, and then saw a email from a client who, for some reason, clearly believed that they should be Magnus’ top priority. With a wave of his hand he cleared his schedule for a week, and put his phone down, ignoring the many subsequet beeps from his phone, errupting with “Why would you rescedule” and “I’ll be taking my business elsewhere if you don’t give me back my appointment”. Ugh, mundanes. He silenced his phone with another wave of his hand. Nothing was more important then Alec right now.

He looked down at the shadowhunter sleeping in his arms and smiled. Alec would usually be getting with the sunrise  but between the magic, sedative, stress and the exhaustion he was still sound asleep, letting out adorable little snores, which Alec would obviously adamantly deny if ever asked about. It was almost 8, and with the way Alec was laying, Magnus’ leg had started to fall asleep, but he decided he could take a little bit of a numb leg if that meant his ANgel would be able to sleep a few hours more.

Around 11 or so, Magnus deemed Alec well rested, and gently shook his arm. “Darlin? Time to get up.” Alec’s hazel eyes slowly opened, squinting at the bright sunlight that flooded the room. 

He groaned softly as he sat up and asked, voice slurred with sleep, “M’gns? What time is it?” 

“11 am-ish” 

Alec immediately shot up and out of bed with a panic. “I need to get to the institute! Oh Angel, I'm late!” 

However, before Alec could send himself into a ‘oh shit im late’ frenzy, Magus gently grabbed his arm, causing Alec to sit back down on the bad, next to Magnus.

“No, you don't. I Isabella texted me and told me that they told Aldertree that you needed a few days off because the warlock attack affected you more” 

Alec hesitated for a second and then asked “Did they tell him that I, you know…” 

 

Magnus shook his head, but a hint of anger and fear bled into his voice. “Tell him that you tried to kill yourself?” Alec flinched slightly. “No, they just told him that you had gotten the brunt of the curse and that you were still recovering.”

 

Alec nodded slightly, and a pregnant pause passed before Alec asked in a quiet voice, still raspy from sleep (and crying) “I’m really sorry Magnus. You kn- I wou- I just um” Alec stalled for a moment “You know I wouldn’t have been on t-the roof if it hadn’t b-been for the spell, right? I’m not about to kill myself or anything.”

 

Magnus nodded slowly, considering his words carefully “I know that the spell prompted you to go up there,but I also know that the magic couldn’t have created those thoughts. Look, I know that you wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself last night if it weren’t for the spell, but  you might have in a week, or month or year. That spell didn’t make you suicidal Alexander, and we both know it.” 

Alexander swallowed heavily and nodded. “I was not planning on doing anything, I swear. It just brought up a lot of things that I thought were over.” he chuckled softly, sadly “It looks like I was wrong about that.”

 

Magnus pauses for a second, not for loss of words but because Alec had a look of such pain on his face. It was as if it was taking so much energy just to keep his eyes open. Magnus placed a gentle hand on Alec’s cheek, brushing away the few tears that were steadily running down his cheek. Magnus had a feeling there would be many more tears before the day was through.        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Still need a beta-reader  
> Tumblr- stellarfandoms  
> Instagram- hey.hey.im.gay


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